Distant Past

I’ve met Grace in January. We’ve met in a sports club at our university. As per tradition the club went out to the pub after the training session: for chat and banter mostly, not for drinking. Grace was captivating. She was chatty, open minded and I found that attractive. She later told me that I was rather quiet and had somewhat uninviting air about me, which is something I wanted to change. Then we discovered we were in the same lecture course, so, we’d started hanging out together. Thanks to her I met new friends and started involving myself socially.

Roll on February and after attending a Chinese New Year Gala we did something that neither of us are allowed to ever talk about ever again, but I smile when I think about it. Soon, little by little we got to know our past stories and way too much information about ex-boyfriends. At the time Grace helped me to get over a close friendship that went down a spiral by listening to my tear strained face and feeding me ‘medicinal’ chocolate. One of the side effects of the friendship is that I was making way more innuendoes in conversation, even in front of strangers. It was especially fun when we got to play it off each other. We pulled all-nighters to finish our essays together, I made dinners for us, we hangout together at awkward parties if either of us had to be present, had gaming nights and practically lived together. We hang out a lot. A lot. I think I was in love with her before we went home for the summer.

Summer came by and went, and then it was time to go back to university. Big surprise – we decided to move in together: the move was tedious and stressful but in the end we did it. I was really happy to move in with Grace: it was an upgrade to have one flatmate instead of four and with a concrete history of fun we had, you’d think, as flatmates we’d get up to no end of different shenanigans. So we started living together. And then I found out: she had six wives. Well, no, not really. I found out that sometimes, what you want to see in a person isn’t all there is.

2.

I wish I that knew Grace’s perspective on this story. We had completely different courses this year but at home I checked in with her how her day went, asked her out on lunches, was quite happy to make us dinner (she didn’t like cooking as much as I did), go out if she needed my company and I got her some pretty decent presents. You would do all of that for your close friend, yes? Grace spends a lot of time in her room. In a way it was a sanctuary for her. She practically never ventured out to the living room. Throughout autumn, she didn’t have a smooth time at university so she spent quite a lot of sulking alone. And she wasn’t as talkative as me but given the circumstances I didn’t think much of it.

 One day, I realised how fucking lonely I was in the flat. Grace didn’t really ask how my days were. She was there if I really needed someone to listen to me but otherwise…She  didn’t really care. She refused dinner claiming that I was trying to feed her. Although her lack of care was disappointing my last straw was her telling people who I was in bed with. She told it to people who mattered and those who didn’t. I was really taken aback by that – neither of us likes our business shared. She disliked me caring for her. Before Christmas holidays I sat her down and said that I feel hurt. She acknowledged that it seems as if she doesn’t care, even if she does. She said she would try amending it. Some of my other friends suggested that subconsciously she already ‘got’ me so didn’t need to put in the effort.

The Christmas holidays went by. She found herself a boy. And she started relying on his company, to make her feel better. It is hard to describe what I felt that week, but I suppose it’s closest to a heartbreak I’ve ever had. I went on with university work just fine, had a great time playing video games, met new people… But I was heartbroken. How can she want HIS company over MINE? She knows him for a WEEK, we know each other for a YEAR! He doesn’t even fucking care as much about her as I do!

3.

For the first time in a year I snapped at her. She understood that I was upset, but I don’t think she understood how much. By the way I don’t hate the guy for being there. She craved male company for a year since her last fling which is fine. I hated that she was happy only because he is just there and male. She admitted to me that she doesn’t understand how to accept my care. She found it to be relationship-y. Suffocating at times.

Considering that she ran away from her last proper, long-term relationship it’s not really surprising. She was terrified of how serious her relationship was. I wonder if her then fiancé felt what I was feeling then. Pain, disappointment, cold and measured decisions about better boundaries? I wanted to hurt her back.

She had her phone and wallet stolen once, whilst she was travelling to see her friends in another city. The first person who she contacted about it in our city, wasn’t me – it was the recent boy. An utterly baffling decision considering he lives miles away and had his own baggage that allowed him to bail on her and ignore her for days. I gave Grace a cute Valentine’s day present which I happened to get month earlier. The boy didn’t even bother coming over.

Conclusion? Who cares. It was too long ago.