Some people are alright
12 December 2018
Part 1. Bubbles
Some illusions are stronger than others. Most illusions we get from childhood. We didn’t know context then. We could pick the good, leave the bad and keep the world revolving around us. As we grew up we became more and more aware that the World is, actually, quite indifferent. The white of the day at the play park, the black of the monster under your bed has shifted in to the white of the wedding dress of someone you love at the wedding you weren’t invited to, and the comforting darkness that lives behind your computer screen.
The faster the colours change the harder it gets. To hold onto what we once we felt was ‘good’. There are no pats on the head anymore, the rewards for good behaviour are questionably expensive, and the candy is too much for your teeth. Bad people don’t get punished, they get caught. There’s almost no shock factor to anything. No novelty. You desperately want to claw back the faint edges of what you once thought you had – simplicity. Innocence. Sense of world ownership. Nobody blames you, but they all judge. They found a better way to deal with fear of unknown. But you? You haven’t.
Ah, but of course one treat still remains: feeling like the world revolves around you.
Part 2. You’re not good to Mama
If you do something for long enough, it becomes a habit. Old habits are famously hard to break. It’s neigh on impossible to break habits you don’t you have.
One way or another we spend a lot of time interacting with other people. We even give away a part of it without expecting anything in return. Maybe on a basic level we are just seeking affirmation. If you see me, I exist. If you hear me I’m not just a dead tree.
We lend each other salt, alcohol, political opinions and alcohol laced with political opinions. Perhaps not expecting it back immediately; maybe just hoping some day to exchange it for sugar.
Not all investments pay off. Maybe there are socio-cultural differences. Extenuating circumstances. Misunderstanding of position and power.Lack of education. Or maybe, they just don’t want to. Too much effort. Not enough time. Their cousins’ third grandmothering cat has died. They don’t care about you.
We all have at least one limited resource. Through experience we limit our spending and waste of any resources we have. This is for people who don’t pay us what we give them. Those of us who walk away alive, and unscathed that is.
There are those who don’t realise they throwing everything they have – wholesale – into the fire which defends the illusion the ego constructed around itself to pretend to be the centre of the orbit.
Listen, you can’t shatter the illusion. The fire will always keep you back.
Part 3. Multipurpose eulogy.
Our psyche benefits from not knowing everything. However,with experience comes cynicism. Not I’m-so lonely cynical™ but a cold hard realisation that thinking about some people and talking to them about themselves is equivalent to delivering a free masturbation sesh. And sex work should never be free. Similar cynicism that leaves a print in your eyes, motivates you to be pickier about who you’d talk to. Makes you less friendly, less approachable, paints a certain “just dare to make me feel joie-de-fucking-vivre, you twat” on your forehead. Same cynicism that fuels the fire. Makes you on of them.
I once heard somewhere that being angry is like ingesting poison and hoping the other person dies. There’s a better survival instinct than anger. Have you guessed it?
Disgust.
